Popularity Contests

A constant struggle that many divorced parents face is the perceived popularity contest. There is a good chance that if you’re a single dad with custody, mom has some serious issues. In much of the U.S. for a father to get custody, mom needs to be missing more than half her brain or have some sort of serious drug problem. Of course there are lots of other reason a father can have custody, but this is an issue I see frequently that single dads have to deal with — as the more stable parent, you have to deal with a mom who is destructively liberal.

For example, there is homework time, there are rules, there are consequences for bad choices. These things are not variable, and most single fathers I know are excellent at providing the structure and discipline kids need.

Then, they go to mom’s. All hell breaks loose. No homework is done. Sleep schedule is disrupted. Then they come back and you have to clean up the mess. If you say anything, anything at all, you are being “controlling.” Even if your kid is about to be held back a grade because they aren’t doing homework at mom’s, you’re just being some kind of horrible jerk. Mom’s house is “fun.” Mom lets the kids do whatever they want. Then they come back to your place and there are all these stupid rules. You’re a jerk and mom is cool.

Here’s the deal: different people have different levels of “having it together.” Is she being destructive to your child and ruining their life? Short term, probably. But truthfully in most cases if she had her act together, the kids wouldn’t be living with you.

The bottom line is that you’re not the person to say anything at all about it. You’re just not the guy. She already probably doesn’t like you. She almost certainly resents the fact that that you have the kids. On some level she’s either aware that she’s screwing up and is unable to fix it OR she’s oblivious to the fact that she’s screwing up and has no idea “why you’re so mad at her.”

As a single dad with custody you do the grunt work. You help them with their homework, take them to the doctor, and make sure they are generally doing well. Mom wants them on holidays and special times. She wants her time with them to be one big party.

Short term your kids are going to think you’re a jerk and mom is cool. They won’t appreciate what you are doing for them for decades. Once again, it’s a marathon, not a sprint.

Here are some guidelines that may or may not help, because honestly, there is nothing good about this sort of situation:

• Sometimes mom has issues with keeping a job, or in one case I know, fighting cancer. Whatever that other thing is, her attention is wrapped up in that. I know a guy who’s ex was diagnosed cancer recently after “being tired all the time” for a few years. She’s going to get chemo and it will be a rough road. In a case like this there isn’t much you can do or say. Sometimes you’re just stuck in a bad situation. As long as the kids can survive their time with mom and are old enough to take care of themselves when she can’t, you kinda have to let them go. I know one dad who sends several pounds of health snacks, because some weekends that’s all the kids get. In the case of the mom with cancer, there’s a good chance she will recover, but if she doesn’t, at least dad made sure the kids had time with mom, which will be irreplaceable when they are older. Yeah, the kids didn’t get to their homework and mom ordered pizza both nights. They also stayed up super late because mom got tired and went to bed at 8pm. As I said, I know of several situations like this. It’s unfortunately common. Remember, one of your jobs as custodial parent is to ensure the kids have a relationship with their mom.
• Sometimes mom needs help with the kids. Grandma and grandpa or stable friends can be a great help on rough weekends. Kids younger than 11 can be responsible with a cell phone, and in case where there are issues, having one is not a luxury. Being able to call “Aunt Sally” when mom doesn’t have it together is a wonderful thing.
• In many cases mom has them ever other weekend and one weeknight. Any destructive activities should be curtailed during that time so that she can focus on her kids. Drunken parties and worse are certainly cause for concern. There is no reason for anyone to engage in these activities around the kids. This can’t be allowed to happen much, and there is a line, which once crossed, must involve the authorities.
• Talk with your attorney before you violate a Court order. If you don’t have an attorney, talk with Child Protective Services before you violate a Court order and make sure you are doing so under their direction. You are really damned if you do and damned if you don’t. And a situation like this will redefine that phrase for you. Remember, if you violate a Court order, there is an excellent chance you will be facing an angry jerk of a judge just for trying to protect your kids.
• It’s very easy to get into a “he said, she said.” Child Protective Services is often staffed by the incompetent. However, if you have custody, there is an excellent chance that mom is already on their radar. There is also an excellent chance that no matter who you talk to, the police, CPS and perhaps even the judge, the abuse you are observing doesn’t rise, in their eyes, to a level where anything needs to be done about it. There are lots of dads in this position. The more you howl and scream, the worse you look. Keep a journal. File your complaints. Have emergency and contingency plans. Remember, most Courts are stacked in favor of mom and if you begin infringing on their time with mom, you are likely to lose custody, which will make an already bad situation much worse. There is a special corner in the hottest part of hell for parents who abuse or neglect their kids.
• One of the options you will be presented with is supervised visitation for mom. This is not a fun road to travel. It is often best to find a visitation supervisor you can both agree on, like the parents of your ex. However, the Court orders regarding this sort of visitation must be adhered to, and the grandparents must be on board with this program. The next level below this, when supervised visitation by family and friends fails, is a supervised visitation center. This is super awkward in a lot of cases. Don’t make it any worse by saying anything about it. It’s already rough on your kids.
• Sometimes things are bad enough that your kids don’t want to go over to mom’s. They will tell you so and will tell you why. You’ve already done all you can do legally. The Courts now expect you to follow their orders. Unless the kids are in immediate threat of physical harm, you have to drop them off and make them go. Different states have ages at which enforcement of visitation by the custodial parent is no longer required. For this you need to consult an attorney.
• On the other end of the spectrum, the kids can very easily come back from mom’s having eaten nothing but candy all weekend. They may have played video games for 19 hours straight. You don’t let them do these things. They have school work to do for Monday and it’s now 6pm on Sunday night. They are tired from lack of sleep. They are on a sugar high. They want to KEEP playing video games. They are out of control. They don’t like you, or anyone else at that moment. Well now doesn’t this just suck? You can do exactly zero about this under the law. Mom won’t listen because this is her “parenting style.” She’s going to let the universe raise her children. There is a very good chance that exploding on your kids won’t help as much as you think it will. Calmly informing them that THEIR obligation to finish their homework has nothing at all to do with you or mom. And think about this: MAYBE the fact that you’re micromanaging them on their work (which may be good with really little kids) is keeping them from being responsible students. After all, life itself is full of barriers and distractions. The only way we achieve success is by overcoming these using self-discipline. Get the kids used to managing their own school work at your place. Get them used to getting work done, and keeping track of their assignments themselves, with nudges from you only as needed. Them reward them heavily for being self-starters. This will bleed over to mom’s house and into their real lives as adults.
• Having a meeting with both parents and teachers at school can be a great help. You know when the kids are with you and when their work is done. If they are “always tired’ Thursday morning after being at mom’s on Wednesday night and not getting to bed until 2am, then maybe the teachers can say something about it. Remember, anyone but you. Absolutely anyone.
• Unless your kids are sociopaths, they are going to welcome a certain amount of discipline and rules. The difference between mom’s house and dad’s house can be a very abrupt and upsetting change, so keep that in mind. Also remember that it is your job as a parent to ensure your kids have SELF discipline. As my father once said, “Good character is behaving well when no one is watching.” That is where you want your kids to be. They need to grow up. You need to be able to trust them and they need to be able to trust themselves.
• Mom’s place may be more fun. It may be hell on earth that is just barely together enough to support life. Either way, it’s her place, not yours. Your kids are going to spend the bulk of their time out of your immediate control. The sooner they learn to deal with the world around them, the better off they will be. Yes, it sucks. Nothing sucks worse. But it is what it is.

Barbie and He-Man

For decades feminists have attacked Barbie for her sexualization and unrealistic body expectations. I did not raise girls. I raised boys. He-Man and many of his little plastic buddies do the same thing to boys. The percentage of boys with the genetics to become half the size of He-Man is very low.

As boys approach puberty, they become acutely aware of their own physical shortcomings. The Houseguest and the Spawn were both great looking kids. They were athletic. They ate a reasonably healthy diet. At about the age of 11 or 12, they began to become more concerned with their appearance.

We live in a beach town in Florida. A solid eleven months out of the year it is beach weather. Kids wear short sleeve shirts most of December. There is no “beach” season. We have three days of winter and must turn on the A/C so we can enjoy our fireplace in January…but I digress.

Boys have body image issues, but unfortunately, boys don’t whine about how “fat” they are. Many of them keep it to themselves. Girls are called “fat” and boys are called both “fat” and “scrawny.” There are things kids of both genders need to understand about their body image. Young impressionable children don’t understand why they aren’t as “perfect” as the celebrities they see on TV.

Here is some information that may help:

1. Photoshop — I hate to admit it, but I’ve used Photoshop a great deal. I have it on my computer right now, latest version. I can retouch anyone and anything. I’ve done it in the past with my own pictures. I didn’t do it on this blog, first time ever. My kids grew up watching me retouch a picture for 30 minutes before posting it. In fact, the Houseguest would frequently comment that the pictures “don’t look like us.” My reply was that the picture of celebrities don’t look like the celebrities. In fact, a famous quote from the supermodel Cindy Crawford is, “I wish I looked like Cindy Crawford.” Every image boys and girls see in print is heavily photoshopped. Very heavily. There are videos available on YouTube of how extensive this practice is. Watch them with your tweens. You will be shocked as well.
2. There are three body types, and you get what you get.  The three main body types in humans are: endomorph, mesomorph and ectomorph. Let’s start with ectomorph (which means ghost shaped). These are the rail-thin people who can eat what they please and never gain weight. This was me as a child. It’s great when you’re a female ectomorph. You can be a supermodel. When you’re a male ectomorph, not so much. A male ectomorph can shoot steroids, eat ten meals a day and work out. The result will be joint damage and bad side effects from steroids. The good news is that most ectomorphs don’t get obese easily as they age, but that’s about the only good news.
   Next we’ll discuss mesomorphs. This is more or less the “perfect” body type for a guy. Not gigantic, but builds muscle easily. The kind of guy who can have huge arms AND eight-pack abs. This is what I wanted to be as a kid, but never was. It is what both the Houseguest and the Spawn are. Lucky guys. Not much downside to this body type, though as they age, they will gain weight more easily. Girls who are mesomorphs tend to be a bit “thicker” or “athletic.” This look is becoming more popular as time goes by. And last we have the endomorph. These are the huge football player types and their female counterparts. Large bones, thick middle section and cannot slim down for any reason. Fun fact: endomorphs were actually what the Spartan warriors prized as a body type, not the mesomorphs so popular in film today. There are a number of advantages to being an endomorph in certain spots — football is an example. These guys can also lift weights and will increase their bench press dramatically. They can theoretically slim down and develop abs temporarily, though the diet needed to do this is pure torture.
3. Different body types will lend themselves to different types of sports. Ectomorphs do well at running, soccer and basketball. Avoid football and lifting heavy weights. An ectomorph kid is going to end up with a lean, lanky body. Mesomorphs can choose from a nearly unlimited variety of sports, though many have difficulty with distance running and endurance, these being more easily accomplished by ectomorphs. Though mesomorphs can participate in football, they are often injured by the larger endomorphs that seem to dominate the game. Wrestling is a sport in which mesomorphs excel. Endomorphs do very well with football. The physical activity is good for them. Low impact activities may be necessary as they age.
4. A healthy diet will minimize the difficulties encountered by each body type. It is vital to understand that diet is said to be 80% of health. When I was a Scout leader I saw horrific things placed into Cub Scout lunches, things no human should consume on a regular basis. Odds are sugar is the main ingredient in most of your kid’s food unless you are watching it like a hawk. Diet is a series of articles by itself, but be aware of what they consume.
5. Water. Kids need to drink water, and lots of it. Not juice. NOT soda. Water. Lots of water. Water without anything else in it. They will become accustomed to drinking something “with no taste” over a period of months, and they will be healthier in the long run.

Whatever body type your kids have, they won’t be happy with it. They will find something wrong. No one I have ever met is entirely happy with their body. A good diet, great parents and lots of exercise will give them the best body they can have.

The Ex

For me the toughest part of the divorce was the Ex. Most of the things I did were mistakes on hindsight. It seems many divorced fathers feel, for many reasons, cut off from their children. There are a number of reasons for this. Society simply expects the kids to stay with mom, but in many cases that doesn’t work.

There are a number of factors making single father with custody the fastest growing demographic in the United States:

• Currently, twenty states are considering bills that would default to shared parenting in divorce.
• Many studies show that shared parenting benefits kids.
• Fathers are pushing back at gender-biased courts and demanding rights as parents
• Fathers are now more likely than ever before to demand and receive custody.

It seems there is no human angrier than a mother who has been denied primary custody after a custody dispute. Custody of a child is not a mother or father’s automatic right.

Here are some things to think about as a divorced father of children:

• Eventually your child will be an adult. If you ever once say anything bad about their other parent they are unlikely to forget or forgive.
• The same is true for the mom. Her attempts to poison your children against you will fail, and if you are a good parent you MUST take the high road. I have seen kids as young as 11 refuse to have anything to do with a toxic parent who speaks badly about the other no matter how justified.
• Once a parent starts talking badly about the other parent it’s tough to fix. Don’t do it.
• You think your kids are dumb? Even young kids are going to notice if your ex is a psychotic whore who sleeps with 10 men a week. No need to mention it.
• Your kids love their mom. She may be a Satanic combination of crazy, stupid and evil, but your kids love her. Shut up about it.
• You are going to have to deal with your ex until she dies. You’re nowhere near done with her. Email is a wonderful thing. Write the email and wait a few days before you send it. Remove the bad stuff. Edit, rewrite. Ignore the nasty response.
• Many mothers (though not all by far) resent the time you spend with your kids, especially if your kids live with you.
• Your kids will have their time with their mother. You will not approve of many of the things that go on over there. As long as the kids come back alive, unharmed and have not been endangered your only option is to keep your mouth shut. That is your only option. There is no other option. Child Protective Services is too often of little help except in extreme circumstances.
• This is a marathon, not a sprint. A very, very long, very painful marathon. A marathon through the bowels of Hell itself. Pace yourself. Keep moving forward. No matter how bad it gets short term you must remember that the short term never matters in the long run. I know it’s easy to say, but it’s also very, very true. If the Ex is unstable, your kids will need you to be that much more stable.

Normal will redefine itself many times between your divorce and when your kids move out of the house. Your kids need a loving, stable parent. Focus on that and forget the rest of the noise. There are plenty of positive things you can do for your kids.

Bubble Wrap

My son and the Houseguest are both in their very late teens. They drive. They are larger than I am. They are in college. I have been through their childhood and out the other side. That’s one of the reasons I’m writing this, with a rear-view mirror on parenting. One issue that drove me up a wall was the over-protective helicopter parent who essentially wanted to bubble wrap their kids “to keep them safe.” They interfere in every interpersonal conflict and difficulty the kid has. They restrict them unbelievably.

My son and the Houseguest were and are two very different people. They get along great and care very much about each other, but their personalities are near opposites.

Life can be dangerous, but life is infinitely more dangerous for those who are unprepared. Both my son and the Houseguest did jiu-jitsu for years. Excellent sport, great for self discipline as well as self-defense. Both of them were assaulted at various points during their childhood, and both of them effectively defended themselves. We’ve already established that I spied on them at a level that would put the NSA to shame, but in all things there is a balance.

I don’t want anything really serious to happen to them, but I don’t want to give them the feeling I’m spying on them every second of the day. Here are some guidelines I found helpful:

• I always saw them after school, which was a huge pain, but well worth it. I mean see them in person, face to face. A parent can tell when a kid is having a good day or not. I’d ask them how school was or some other open ended question. Nine times out of ten, if something was up, they would tell me. They still do.
• The main thing I had to do was keep them willing to talk with me and be really real about what was going on. This is a tough thing to do. I didn’t do a very good job at times restraining myself from giving unsolicited advice. This almost never worked out well when I got intense and “parenty” about it. What tended to work better was for me to say very casually, “Well, I see what you are doing there. If you do that, and you certainly can, I don’t think it will work out very well for you and this is why, but let me know if you need any help.”
• Quoting sources other than myself worked very well. Back when sexting started to be a thing, kids were getting arrested left and right. They are now teenage registered sex offenders for life because they sent their bestest girl a picture of their teenage winkie dink. Over a period of a few weeks, I showed the boys news story after news story about this, and how these kids were screwed for life. This sort of thing made them begin to think about the consequences of their actions in the adult world.
• While I had copious amounts of data on their goings-on I RARELY mentioned the findings of my excavations. VERY RARELY. One of the most important lessons I learned as a parent was to let the minor shit slide. Just let it be. In your own head you can say to yourself, “Did you REALLY just text that to someone? Really? What is WRONG with you?”  There were more than a few occasions where I almost intervened but then had enough faith in my kids to let them turn the situation around themselves. In the vast majority of these instances, they not only made me proud, they grew up in the process.
• Keep in mind that your job as a parent is to make an adult. An adult is not someone who can’t function on their own. It is not someone who is incapable of resolving interpersonal conflicts without mom, dad or the police. An adult learns from their mistakes. An adult takes bad situations and deals with them. If you as a parent are CONSTANTLY micromanaging your child, how will they ever learn?
• Having said all of the above, there were issues that came up. Big issues. One thing I never did was ask a question I didn’t already know the answer to. One of the first rules for the boys was that they were never to lie to me. In the very vast majority of instances, they did not, and this improved greatly over time. I remember an instance where I found out that the Houseguest went to a party without my permission. After some information gathering I sat him down and asked him if he went to the party. He admitted he did. I asked him if there was parental supervision at this party. He stated there was not. I asked him a number of other questions about the party which I already knew the answers to (by this time I was really good at the whole detective thing — really, really good). He scored a perfect 100% on all the questions. I told him not to ever do that again, because it was a matter of time before I found out. Later that same month, he wanted to go to another party with “his dog (very bestest buddy ever — a complete jackass and drug user). I said no. I told him that kid was a lightening rod for trouble. The night that I “cockblocked” and “ruined the life” of my dear Houseguest, his friend, the jackass, was arrested with enough charges to send him to prison until he was 30. But for the employment of a VERY good attorney, that is where he would be to this day. The Houseguest now sees him for what he is and realizes he would have been in jail with this idiot; the jackass is still being a jackass all these years later. Valuable lesson learned, no harm, no foul.
• Because I only got into their business about 30% of the time that I thought I should, and because it was usually for a major issue, over a PERIOD OF YEARS, the kids started to realize that on the few occasions I did say something, it was usually for a good reason. My son started calling me the Illuminati after awhile and they would both, quite grudgingly, listen to me. They formed their own judgement and solve problems in their own way. There are many things on which we disagree, and that’s fine. They have grown into their own men, which is exactly what I wanted. But remember, it took YEARS, many, many years.
• As much of a struggle as it can be, the BULK of your dialogue with your child should not be correcting them. It must not be giving them a never-ending stream of instruction. It should be conversation. They should be doing most of the talking. You should be shutting your damn mouth, listening, and finding something you can say about them that lets them know you believe in them, that you think they are great. At the end of a long work day at your job, when you are nearly dead, this is a huge struggle, but remember, that job you did all day is your SECOND job. Your real job, for a little while begins at the end of your work day. It is the most important job you will ever do, so treat it that way and do it to the very best of your ability.

Fantasy Land

Parenting a tween or teen is, in many cases, a lot like disarming a time bomb.

Too much force, and boom! Too little forward progress too slowly…same thing.

Imagine someone crazy enough to pretend there is no bomb.

Too many parents I’ve met live in a special place. Out here with the rest of us, their kids are potheads who have lost their virginity long ago. In their warm, cozy fantasy world, their kids are the Cleaver boys: lovable, mischievous, but give ’em a half hour and they’ll be fine.

A little angel in our neighborhood skipped school one day. He’s going downhill fast. The single mom showed up, going door to door looking for him. This is when she “found out” her son was smoking pot. Apparently his staggering around the neighborhood stoned or going to dinner high night after night weren’t enough of a clue for this woman. Maybe we should nail a flashing neon sign to his ass that says “STONER” for his mom to get the message.

The most amazing portion of this mini-drama was momma wondering why no one told her that her son was smoking pot just like his older brother. What are the odds of that happening?

I’m wondering how these conversations go. I’m about to have one.

For various reasons, I’m going to have to let a lady who “doesn’t want her daughter dating or hugging boys because she’s too young” know that her daughter has done things sexually that I have yet to do, in places I would never do them for safety, legal and hygiene reasons. The girl may already be pregnant.

Teachers have the same problem. On the one hand they can’t really tell the parent they think the kid is a demonically-possessed psychotic little jerk. That’s just destructive (even if it’s true). At the same time, the parent needs to know that while their child may have many fine qualities, improvement is necessary to help the child develop properly.

So there is definitely a balance in all of this. I would personally feel horrible standing idly by while another teen mom gives birth to a child she can’t really care for.

Too many people are willing to watch the disaster happen. For minor things, maybe minding your own business or mentioning something once is all that can be done. But how would YOU feel if your child got pregnant when you thought they were a virgin? How would you feel if your child was being bullied and everyone knew it but you? How shocked you be to find your supposedly squeaky-clean child was ARRESTED for drug use? Kids can end up dead or in big trouble fast these days. How would you feel if you didn’t at least try to do something?

Here are some things to think about if you are thinking of bringing a parent back from Fantasyland:

1. There is usually a very ugly back story. Kids are USUALLY (though not always) screwed up for a good reason, or a BUNCH of good reasons. Keep this in mind before you say anything. Choose your words carefully.

2. There is very often a good reason the parents aren’t aware of what is going on. They may be so stressed out about trying to keep their job and house that they have nearly forgotten they have children. It’s easy to do.

3. If you say too little, the parent may continue to ignore the problem.

4. If you are too harsh, you’re going to sound like a jerk and the parent is going to think you’re just a jerk, ignoring all you have said.

5. While you are letting them know there is a problem, make sure you offer constructive solutions.

6. Offer help if they want it. And mean it. Be prepared to help for awhile if necessary.

7. Your offer of help may be rejected, so you may have to walk away.

8. If you suspect a child is being abused or neglected, you may be able to report it, and if it’s serious enough, that might be a good idea.

Kids online

When my son and the Houseguest were tweens, they did not yet possess cell phones. One of the principal methods of social contact 11 year-olds had with each other at the time was myspace. My kids wanted myspace, Yahoo chat, AOL instant messenger and all kinds of other ways to interact with others, young and old, online.

When I was a kid, “video games” constituted Space Invaders on a 16-color “video game” system by Atari. Facebooking someone meant throwing a book at their face.

Though they both had freedom to roam on their bikes if they were together. They had taken full advantage of this freedom, traveling up to fifteen miles from home.

After several weeks of pestering me I allowed them to have whatever sort of account they desired – with conditions:

1) I set up the accounts and made the passwords.

2) I would not give them the passwords to their accounts anytime soon.

3) If they wanted to log into an account, they had to ask me, and this was based on their good behavior.

4) I had the right as a parent to look over their accounts. When they are 18, they can have all the “privacy” they want, and at that point, they are also responsible for their own actions.

5) We went over the rules for online safety. Several times, over several years.

Within the first few weeks of myspace the Houseguest (the older one) had removed all the security measures I’d put in place. This was years ago, when adults could search myspace for children. The Houseguest also put up a shirtless picture of his 12 year-old self, perhaps to attract little tween girls, or maybe he just wasn’t thinking.

It was less than a week before he received an inappropriate friend request from an adult. Here is what I learned to do:

a) Ignore your child’s protests and demands for “privacy.” You are their parent, not their friend. Stop trying to win a popularity contest. Some children will try to take advantage of their non-custodial parent. Children who are allowed to get away with this sort of behavior don’t turn out well.

b) Look at what’s happening in the account. Read the messages and the posts. Unless it is some sort of vital issue DO NOT discuss these investigations with your kids. By vital, I mean danger of life and death. I have been able to maintain a level of trust with my kids because when I do find out something perhaps I shouldn’t know, I don’t run to them and talk about it. I try to give them a chance to resolve their issues for themselves, and from what I have seen with their interactions with others, my faith in them over time has been entirely justified. Keep in mind that your goal as a parent is to have an independent, productive child who knows the difference between right and wrong. This is something they will have to learn for themselves in many cases.

c) Realize that 93% of kids go online, and most are unsupervised by parents. Most parents have “no clue” what’s happening online according to a survey of children by Pew. Sixteen percent of children receive inappropriate contact from adults while online, which means odds are your child or one of his close friends has had this happen.

d) When an adult makes inappropriate contact occurs, there are things you can do: Contact Facebook admin with a complaint, as well as local law enforcement. Remember, if they are doing it to your child, they are doing it to others.

e) If your child is missing, the clues to their whereabouts are very often available online.

I quietly supervised the online activities of my son and the Houseguest for two years, at which point, I gave them the passwords, but let them know they were not allowed to change them. I still have the passwords to their accounts but choose not to use them except in an emergency.

I educated myself on the many places kids go online. Here are a few with information about them:

Facebook – Unless you’ve been in a coma, you are aware of Facebook. Kids who learn how to use Facebook settings can make posts only viewable by certain groups. If you add your child as a friend on Facebook, they can make you an “acquaintance,” preventing you from seeing all that is going on.

YouTube – The most benign of all video sites (there are many others). Kids can learn almost anything from the instructional videos available. Pornographic content is prohibited, but is allowed on many other video sites.

Twitter – Known as “tweets,” the brief messages on twitter allow kids to let the world know what is happening in their lives, and find out what is happening in the lives of others they know, as well as celebs. This forum is uncensored and contains humanity-in-the-raw abbreviated to a few short sentences at a time.

Online Gaming – XBox and PlayStation as well as computer games allow kids to play with others, often adults. They can, in many games, participate in online chat with teammates and opponents. It is an unfortunate and common practice for adults to use extreme profanity and insults with children as young as 8.

Snapchat –  The “next generation” in apps on smartphones is SnapChat, which is an app that allows people to send pictures of themselves to others. These pictures erase in a few seconds. If the recipient saves the picture, Snapchat lets the sender know.

Online Risks

Children face a number of risks online. Here are some of the main risks:

1) Bullying – Horribly enough, bullying is one of the milder risks children face online. Unfortunately it has led to a number of suicides. Bullying must not be tolerated and none of the social media sites will permit it if you make sure to complain.

2) Inappropriate Contact With Adults – This inappropriate contact can range from online bullying to sexual proposition. The rule of NEVER meeting up with someone they don’t know in real life should be strictly enforced. Adults with bad intentions often pose as other children. Kids often thing they know best and are more “online savvy” than mom or dad. Parents have more life experience, which is why we are in charge.

3) Identity theft – This can range from theft of your information to the theft of your children’s name, date of birth and social security number.

4) Phishing – Trustworthy sources, or places that LOOK like trustworthy sources will steal login information and everything else they can. Once a principal e-mail address is breached, bank accounts and virtually anything else can be compromised.

Time For Yourself

Households headed by single fathers are the fastest growing demographic group in the United States, and now according to Pew (the people who interpreted the Census Bureau data), nearly one fourth of single parent households are headed by men. In 2011, there were 2.6 million households headed by a single father. Pew surmises that the changes in both law and policy have made this phenomena what it is.

Single fathers very often lack the support structure or social acceptance of single moms. Mothers are “expected” to take care of the kids. Often that doesn’t work out. Single fathers are usually under much more financial pressure than their female counterparts. The percentage of single fathers who receive any form of financial support from mom is also laughably low. I know a large number of single fathers, but don’t know any that receive financial support. In a lot of cases, you’re own your own with a kid. While much is made of “deadbeat dads,” the latest Census Bureau information shows that only about 30% of non-custodial mothers are ever ordered to pay support.

It took a few years for my son’s doctor to get used to the idea that I was going to be the one bringing him to his appointments. I quit two jobs because my bosses couldn’t understand why I had to take time off work to care for my child. I am now self-employed, and until my son turns 18, that’s about the only option for me.

The problem that single dads have is the lack of a guidebook. When I started out many years ago with my son, I  had to figure things out for myself. I have no family in the area, and did not have the resources to take much needed breaks. I didn’t use babysitters – didn’t trust them. This was a mistake. Whatever the reasons, you have to find time for yourself occasionally. Find constructive hobbies you enjoy. Spend time with friends. Eat healthy food. Get rest. Work out. Really – go to a gym and lift stuff. You need to stay in shape no matter what. Most gyms have child care areas. Make the time. Do it.

As a friend of mine said recently, “If you don’t take care of yourself, you’re not going to be able to take care of anyone else.”

When you’re feeling tired, sore and miserable, remember that it may be because you have a crap diet, don’t exercise and all you do is work and take care of a kid. Keeping taking care of the kid, but change the rest. You’ll feel better and so will your kids.

Taking Classes – First Aid

I have been taking classes at the Red Cross for years and cannot fathom why more parents don’t do this.

If you are a single dad going for custody, this is one of the best things you can do – take extra classes. It shows the judge you are serious about being a parent in a forum where judges traditionally don’t take men very seriously. 

The first aid classes at the Red Cross are quite extensive. There are even classes for children to take. I firmly believe everyone should know the basics of first aid.

Are you really sure you would know what to do if your child was injured? Kids get hurt. It happens. What is the difference between a serious injury and one they need to walk off?

These are the questions that get answered at the Red Cross. If your child has any special medical needs at all, I am of the opinion that these classes are indispensable.

Other classes are usually available at local community colleges. Though these may vary in quality and information provided, more is always better.

I have taken the same classes again and again over the years.  Licensed health care professionals in most states are required to update and continue their education. It happens. 

http://www.redcross.org/take-a-class 

You will see a number of applicable classes. Take as many as your time and budget allow. At this point, when my Spawn injures himself at football or elsewhere, I know what to do. When our Houseguest bangs his head, I know how to check for signs of a concussion.

The nice thing about all this is I don’t have to think about it or frantically search WebMD. I’ve done the training and have used it several times with major issues.

When your kids are older, take them to classes with you. The Red Cross has a babysitting class that teaches kids how to take care of other kids.

Taking these classes not only looks great in Court, but may one day help you save someone’s life.

Cleaning With Kids

Many of us never imagined we’d be single parents. I know a surprising number of single dads who have primary custody, and a greater number who have their children a great deal (the majority of the time) yet do not have primary residential responsibility on paper.

Many of us find ourselves at a certain age looking back on our lives. We were bachelors once and maintained a certain standard of living. Most of use were not raised learning to cook, clean or keep house. Most of us were certainly not raised with the assumption that we would one day be solely responsible for the care of children.

I remember, long ago, in a condo far, far away – I was single. I never once apologized for the state of my living quarters. Everything was exactly where it was supposed to be. My standard 15 minutes of cleaning per day was usually more than enough to keep the place looking perfect.

My closet had clothes that were ironed, on hangers and sorted by color and style. My socks matched.

My truck was three years old and looked brand new.

I was well-dressed, shaved and well fed.

Then I had a child. My Spawn.

He vomited, pooped, he left friggin MYSTERY FRUIT in my truck. In the summer. Didn’t find it until it started to smell. By the time I found it (under the seat) it was tough to tell what it was originally.

Spawn left towels and clothes on the floor.

He lives with me, and has become a responsible young man who is learning to clean up after himself. Now, so many years later, we are still working to improve things, but they are far better than they were. He is always willing to do the work and never complains about doing it.

I have another child who stays with us a large part of the year. We shall call him Houseguest. His mom works out of town a great deal, and is sometimes gone for months at a time. I have been taking care of Houseguest for ten years. He is extremely helpful and very neat at this point.

Houseguest is about two years older than Spawn, and they get along great. At this point, they are very much like brothers. God help anyone who messes with Spawn, for he shall incur the wrath of Houseguest.

Spawn and Houseguest have the same set of rules, and have for years. Other children who stay over are held to a certain invariable standard of behavior. I have never really had a problem.

Why Should They Learn to Clean?

Messes build upon themselves. Dust bunnies multiply. Without cleaning at least twice a week, a house begins to look (and sometimes smell) awful.

Children who grow up not learning how to clean live like pigs. This will prevent them from living in a healthy environment and perhaps attracting a mate at some point in the future.

Cleaning is not something I enjoy. Quite the opposite. I just don’t like living in a pigsty. I don’t think most people ENJOY wiping their ass, but the same principle applies.

There is a modern idea that we are somehow indentured servants for our children. They are often permitted to roll their eyes, huff and stomp when asked to do simple chores around the house.

Dealing With Protest

A friend of mine asked his daughter and son to fold the laundry. This was met with pouting and protest. He turned on the XBox and started playing Halo. In about an hour she asked, “Where’s dinner?” The father’s response was that dinner was still in the refrigerator, unmade. Other parts of dinner could be found in the cupboards.

When children protest, it is often unnecessary to scream at them. Eventually they need or want something from you – examples include food, a ride to the mall, or a cell phone that has service activated. Some of them want to watch TV and play video games. Sooner or later, they also get hungry.

We provide a great deal for our children. It is important for them to learn that they should, as soon as they are able, become responsible for chores around the house.

We have not achieved a technological level of self-cleaning dishes or laundry that washes, irons and folds itself. Even if a cleaning service is affordable, this should in no way excuse children from helping to clean up. My mother always had us “pre-clean” the night before the cleaning lady came. This saved her time, improved the quality of the cleaning that the pro did, and saved my parents money. It taught us how to clean, to appreciate having a clean house, and to absolutely despise Wednesday nights.

My view is that little princes or princesses who feel this sort of “manual labor” is somehow beneath them need to learn that sooner or later they are going to have to do it, so they may as well learn to do it sooner.

Age Appropriate Chores

Younger children are often more willing to help. The catch to all of this is that they are frighteningly clumsy. DO NOT take the rag from their hand and “do it for them.” Tolerate the best that they can do and call it good enough. As they get older, their work will improve.

Sweeping the floors is a job even the youngest children can learn to do. Complementing them on the good job they did.

Even the smallest children should never be allowed to play with toys until they have cleaned up the mess they made previously. Children should, as a minimum, take their plate to the sink and clean it off. Why would they not?

In my house I’m fine on cooking. But once the meal is made, I’m done with the kitchen. Cleaning up is someone else’s problem. No one objects to this arrangement, and at this point it’s expected. However, years ago, I bought Wal Mart Plates and used plastic cups until I stopped hearing things fall on the kitchen floor while they were being rinsed.

As I type this, Houseguest and Spawn are cleaning up the kitchen. No one asked them to do this, we were done with a meal.

What happens in many households is children who are as tall or taller than their parents don’t help out. This is both ridiculous and intolerable. Even a child staying over one night a week and on weekends CAN pick up the towel off the floor and clean up after themselves. Don’t let some imagined guilt turn you into your child’s slave. Set standards of behavior and respect and you will raise a respectful, well-behaved child.

Take Your Time

Teaching your child to do household chores can take weeks or months. During this time, it really will be faster for you to do it yourself. Don’t. Teach them. Coach them. Work with them. Persist no matter what until they get it. When they do it right, thank them and praise them. Never forget to do this.

You wanted a kid. Do what it takes to raise the kid.

Start Simply

Rome was not built in a day. Children suddenly deprived of their indentured servant may revolt when this manual labor that is clearly beneath them cuts into their PlayStation time. Dont’ blame them or their mother. You’re the one who let them sit on the couch for years.

Once they get past the initial objections (and if you start young enough these objections will not exist), and these things become habit, plan on adding new privileges to their lives every year as well as new household responsibilities.

By the time they want to drive, my standard of behavior is that they are doing the chores they are supposed to do without being reminded. Being reminded for five or seven years to wash dishes or do laundry is simply ridiculous.

Establish a Routine

Weekly routines are vital. If they KNOW that Saturday morning is bathroom cleaning and Sunday night is laundry, no questions asked, and that is the way it is, the vast majority of kids will eventually fall into line and do what they need to do.

Don’t try to get them to do everything at once. You will end up with nothing done. Link their “job performance” to their privileges (video games, cell phones, time at the mall , keys to the car). If they have done what they are supposed to do, then they get what they want. If not, they don’t. That’s how life works.

If you are consistent and stand your ground, you’ll be fine.

Very often, children will complain that their mother takes care of everything. Mom MAY even make you out to be lazy for not doing it all for them. She may make you out to be incapable of housework. Let her. You will possibly be told that other parents don’t make THEIR kids do their own laundry. How nice.

Teach your kids the value of contributing to the household. They may or may not thank you for it later on. Don’t expect a lot of thanks from your kids. Hope to be remembered fondly as a great parent.

Fathers Seeking Custody of Their Child(ren)

If you’re reading this, it’s probably because an important part of your life ended badly. You’re divorced, or worse, going through a divorce. Nothing in this article is intended to provide legal advice or predict the future.

Usually divorce involves her asking you to leave the house you helped pay for, abandoning most of your possessions, as well as the kids. Very likely, she would also like you to send her 150% of your current income and never see the children again. This is what many women consider a “fair” divorce. It is unfortunate, but too often true.

In many states, despite the laws, custody has traditionally defaulted to the mother. This began with the “tender years doctrine.” This theory was developed in the 19th century. It states that children under the age of four are better off with their mother, children in general are better off with their mothers.

In most of Europe and the United States, the pendulum is swinging toward joint custody – both parents having equal input in raising the child. There is, however, primary residential responsibility – and in 80% of cases, this is awarded to the mother.

Attorneys cannot promise anything. What they will most often do is state how they won other cases in the past to give you hope (and extract money). If you ask them what your chances are, attorneys can’t promise an outcome or tell you what “chance” you have. Your chances of gaining custody depend on your behavior and the behavior of your ex – two factors that in most divorces are almost completely unpredictable.

Most mothers will fight for custody, and for many fathers it is an uphill battle at best. 

Should you ask for primary residential custody?

This is an incredibly personal decision that should be based on one thing alone: What is best for the child(ren)?

Here are the questions you need to ask yourself:

1. Can you place your children first? Is your child more important to you than your career, hobbies and everything else?

2. Do you have the time (and energy) to care for children after a long day of work?

3. Will you honestly be able to support and encourage a relationship between your child and the woman you may now despise?

4. Are you ready to assume what is considered by “modern” America to be a non-traditional role for a man?

5. Have you thought about how this will affect your children?

6. Do you have anyone to help you with this enormous responsibility (parents, siblings)?

If you feel in your heart that you can commit yourself to placing your children first in your life, and do some of the most difficult things you have ever imagined doing, then you are probably ready to be your child’s primary caregiver.

If you are contemplating this, then there are things you will need to be aware of with regard to the Courts. They have certain criteria they consider before awarding custody. In most states, these include things like:

A) The child’s age and gender – Often (as in my case) a father has a good chance of obtaining custody of their son. Right or wrong, Courts may consider the future needs of the child and feel that a father may be better able (in some cases) to provide for the future needs of a boy. 

B) The child’s physical health – If the child has special medical needs, the Court will consider a number of factors and will focus very much on the parent’s ability to meet these needs. Often, a self-employed father with a flexible schedule, or a father with substantially more medical training than the mother will be seen as better able to meet the special needs of a child. 

C) The mental and physical health of both parents – If one parent has serious physical or mental problems, this will, if proved in Court, often affect custody. Parents with serious physical difficulties or impairments are much less likely to have custody awarded.

Physical difficulties are not the only thing the Courts consider. If the mother refuses to allow the father his visitation with the child, if the mother is speaking badly about the father to the child, the mother may have serious problems that prohibit her from being the child’s primary caregiver.

The act of “badmouthing” the other parent or turning the child against the other parent is called “parental alienation” by the Courts. Statistically, and very unfortunately, this type of twisted manipulation is usually carried out by mothers and directed at young children. Another statistical fun fact is that in a surprisingly large number of cases, it ends up backfiring on the parent who is trying to turn the child against their other parent.

What parents (mothers or fathers) who do this don’t seem to consider is that while young children will believe in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and everything that mommy or daddy says – that child will also grow up, remember everything that was done, and look on all of it with a very different set of often resentful, more mature eyes. Saying bad things about the other parent is never a good way to go. Don’t do it. All it does is upset and confuse the child. It is child abuse. Period. 

D) The lifestyle of the parents – If one parent smokes and the other does not, this is also something Courts will consider. Also allegations of child abuse will be considered by the Courts. It is important that the Courts are made aware of any alienation by the other parent, as this can weigh heavily in the favor of the parent being alienated.

Other factors that may be examined are whether or not the parents consume alcohol and the type of career the parents are involved in.

E) The Emotional Connection Between Parent and Child – Many parents have an excellent link with their kids. They really connect with them. This is vital. I know of many cases where the father coaches the child’s football or soccer team, or is a Scout leader in the child’s troop. This sort of involvement will be considered quite heavily by the Court. 

F) The Ability of the Parent to Direct and Guide the Child – This is another vital area. There are many cases where the child behaves in an out-of-control manner in one house, and is an angel at the other house. Very often, one parent simply cannot handle the child, or the child does not respond to that parent well. Parents and children often have serious personality conflicts, and these can intensify with the stress of divorce or separation. 

G) The Parent’s Ability to Provide for the Child’s Needs – These needs will include the basics of food, clothing and shelter. They will also include medical care, education and the activities the child enjoys or desires. This factor traditionally weighed heavily in favor of the fathers, as the breadwinners or providers for the family. Unfortunately, it is a double-edged sword. Fathers who make excellent income are often viewed as too consumed with work to provide the time needed to raise a child. 

H) The Established Living Patterns of the Child – The Courts will often try to keep good living patterns intact as much as possible. In the above case of the father as Scout leader or soccer coach, the Courts will often enter supplemental orders to ensure that these things continue for the benefit of the child. If the mother attempts to interfere with these establish patters out of spite, this may be grounds for the Court to re-consider her as a custodial parent. Other factors that the Court will consider is the child’s current school, education and schedule. Courts will look closely at who does what. In some cases I have seen, the father had the child for football practice, Scouts and other activities, tutored the child regularly and went camping at least one weekend a month. Because of the father’s participation in the child’s life, and the mother’s reluctance to have this participation continue, the father was awarded custody, which brings us to the next factor… 

I) The Ability of the Custodial Parent to Foster a Relationship Between the Child and the Other Parent – This is a huge factor, and one that has been brought up many times successfully by many fathers. It is often viewed as the main reason mothers lose custody of their children as it can be viewed as a “substantial change in circumstances.” Courts don’t just change things for the heck of it. In fact, even if things aren’t perfect, the Courts usually prefer the “devil they know” rather than the “devil they don’t know.”

At some point though, the Courts will realize what has been ordered just isn’t working and it’s detrimental to the child.

Custodial parents who refuse to allow Court-ordered visitation are, in many states, sentenced to community service. It is very often grounds to go to Court to obtain make-up visitation and even a change of custody.

Despite the foolish bias too many judges have against custodial fathers, no judge tolerates contempt of existing orders. Repeated Motions for Contempt over a period of time will often be very dimly viewed by Courts.

Keep a journal of what happens if you don’t have custody now. Ask your attorney about filing Motions for Contempt. Keep fighting for visitation. Do this no matter what. Your child should always know you did everything you could, win or lose, to remain a part of their life.

If you have visitation (or time sharing as it is called in some states), it is vital to make sure you spend this time with your kid(s). If you are not seeing your children, the Courts will ensure that you do, and will often punish the other parent for refusing to allow this to happen. 

J) The Preference of the Child – Past a certain age, the preference of the child will be considered in Court. That age in many states, is as young as 12.

As surprising as this may sound, children often prefer clear boundaries to their behavior and consistent discipline.

Courts will absolutely take allegations of abuse form children into consideration. They will NOT however, look kindly upon the “cool” parent who lets the kids stay out until 2am on a school night and “do whatever they want.” This sort of thing will inevitably backfire.

Increasing Your Chances of Custody

Here are some things you can do to increase your chances of gaining custody and remaining in your child’s life: 

1) Stay involved in your child’s life no matter what. There are many things your child enjoys doing. Be there with them. Participate. Watch. No matter what you must remain involved. I have heard many mothers object to a father coming to watch their daughter’s gymnastics class or their son’s soccer practice on a night that isn’t “theirs.” Unless there is a Court order, her objections should be noted and ignored.

If continued objections occur, this should be brought to the judge’s attention, with witnesses subpoenaed if possible. Unless you showed up drunk or got into a fight, this will result in admonishment for the mother and a Court order allowing you access. You cannot lose on this as long as you remain calm. 

2) Remain in contact with your child no matter what. Stay in touch. If that means texting (a preferred method of contact between older children and the rest of the world), then do that. There are many ways to maintain contact. Older kids just don’t talk on the phone the way they used to. Facebook chats and texting seem to work well. Do whatever it takes. Ask them how they are doing, and be prepared for brief answers from time to time.

3) DO NOT badmouth the other parent EVER. Just don’t do it. Do not. No matter what. Even if she’s doing it to you (and she may be doing it a lot). The most you should say is (VERY calmly), “I would consider it disrespectful to your mother and to you to speak about her that way to you. I’m sorry you have to hear her speak that way about me.”

I remember one of my son’s friends in near shock when he found out certain facts about his mother. She spent years saying terrible things about this child’s father. When the child asked his dad why he never said anything about these terrible facts, the father looked at the kid and said, “first, that’s not something I would ever do, and second, it’s none of your business.” The father refused to discuss the details of this discovery, gaining a near infinite amount of respect from his son. 

4) Remember that your child is not an adult – That means that you don’t discuss adult things with the child. If the child asks you if what mom said about you is true or not, this leads to an adult conversation that is best never started. You might say that “It’s not appropriate to discuss adult things with children. I’m sorry you have to hear any of that.” 

5) Realize that certain things are going to suck for awhile but that doing the right thing will always be best long term –  When the ex is telling your seven year old what a bad person you are and the kid is swallowing it all hook, line and sinker, your life sucks. Let that be on her. She is the one who is going to have to live with that later on.

I heard my son, at the age of 13, having an alarming discussion one Friday night. They were all talking about crappy things their parents (both moms and dads) said about the other parent when they were younger. The kids were EXTREMELY unkind to their parents. They remembered it all, every word, and many of them were surprisingly resentful of things that happend years earlier. It was awful. The two times I yelled at her in front of him were mentioned in very unkind terms. Long term, your kids will appreciate your strength, the fact that you were always there for them, and the fact that you tried to do the right thing.

I know of a nine year-old who routinely punches his custodial mother. I’ve seen her in action. I can confidently say she is a truly spiteful individual. She has done everything possible to turn her son against the father he clearly loves, and this kid is taking it out on her every day. Again. DO NOT badmouth the other parent.

I know far too many parents whose children despise them. Yes, they won custody. Yes, they cost the other parent perhaps tens of thousands of dollars in legal fees. They degraded the other parent for years and may have temporarily made the other parent out to be a rather convincing villain. Then, at some point, they are forced to live with a child who hates them for what they have done. 

6) Don’t Lose Your Cool –  Try not to talk with her when you’re angry. If that doesn’t seem to work, resort to e-mails, carefully worded. Remember that e-mails and voicemails are permanent and can be used against you in Court. Choose your words carefully. Wait a day before sending an e-mail so that you can calm down and edit the content.

7) Continue to be a Parent – Whether or not you have custody, you are still a parent. Your house has rules and it is your job to provide the structure you deem best. Children will often engage in emotional blackmail or tell you how much “cooler” mom is. That’s nice, but it has nothing to do with your household.

8) Once again – Keep a Journal – If you are trying to gain custody, keep a journal of what’s going on. Especially if she’s doing things she shouldn’t do. Write it all down, as well as your efforts to get it corrected. If these efforts don’t work, then go to Court. If you keep coming back with the same complaint, something WILL change.

Realize it’s not over until the child is 18. Custody can change at any time, and often does around adolescence.